I can't believe I am about to admit this on my running blog for all of the world to read... but it plays into what I want to type about... I know you all will be SOCKED to hear that I see a councilor. I know... you're shocked. You probably thought I had it all together and had no worries or issues in my life to drag me into "blues land". Well, I have lots of thoughts that just swirl in my head and talking to a professional has helped me work through these wild and crazy thoughts and low self image views I have of myself.We have decided that one of my very deepest root issues is perfection. Now, let me just tell you... I am not perfect at anything. The problem is that I try to do something to the point of perfection, and since no one is perfect, and I can't seem to get there either, I give up and beat myself up about not being good enough....blah blah blah and the cycle goes on and on. With the exception of RUNNING.... sigh....
I was talking to my husband yesterday about how I have been so disappointed in most of my races this year. Don't get me wrong, I am very proud to have crossed the finish line, and to even get to the start line. (I am most proud of my 50 mile Ultra marathon. What a great day that was.) I feel so disappointed and unsatisfied because I guess in the back of my mind each race needs to be run fast- or without any hiccups- or problems. I have been running long enough that I realize running is one of those hobbies we all enjoy that is NOT perfect. We can't always be on or in tune every run. We will most definitely have good and bad days. I think this is what creates the addiction in us. We keep trying to master the sport, when in reality... it doesn't need to be mastered... or solved. What matters is that we continue to enjoy our time out on the road/trail, and learn something new about ourselves in the process.
So after running a marathon, is it wrong of me to feel unworthy of the entire process I just completed? Is it selfish and hot headed of me to not be happy with my performance when I know there are millions of people who would just be happy to have the chance to run a 5k?
You're probably wondering what the point is to this post.... I don't really have one. Remember, I said I have lots of thoughts swirling. I guess to sum it up.... I want to be the perfect runner, who never misses a running day, who always eats right and thinks positive and has all amazing races. I want to snap my fingers and have it all figured out. I guess this is why I am so obsessed with running marathons. Because each one is different and they are NEVER perfect.
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