Sunday, May 29, 2011

Swirling thoughts

So many thoughts are swirling through my head these days, and I'm not sure that is such a good thing.


I can't believe I am about to admit this on my running blog for all of the world to read... but it plays into what I want to type about... I know you all will be SOCKED to hear that I see a councilor. I know... you're shocked. You probably thought I had it all together and had no worries or issues in my life to drag me into "blues land". Well, I have lots of thoughts that just swirl in my head and talking to a professional has helped me work through these wild and crazy thoughts and low self image views I have of myself.We have decided that one of my very deepest root issues is perfection. Now, let me just tell you... I am not perfect at anything. The problem is that I try to do something to the point of perfection, and since no one is perfect, and I can't seem to get there either, I give up and beat myself up about not being good enough....blah blah blah and the cycle goes on and on. With the exception of RUNNING.... sigh....


I was talking to my husband yesterday about how I have been so disappointed in most of my races this year. Don't get me wrong, I am very proud to have crossed the finish line, and to even get to the start line. (I am most proud of my 50 mile Ultra marathon. What a great day that was.) I feel so disappointed and unsatisfied because I guess in the back of my mind each race needs to be run fast- or without any hiccups- or problems. I have been running long enough that I realize running is one of those hobbies we all enjoy that is NOT perfect. We can't always be on or in tune every run. We will most definitely have good and bad days. I think this is what creates the addiction in us. We keep trying to master the sport, when in reality... it doesn't need to be mastered... or solved. What matters is that we continue to enjoy our time out on the road/trail, and learn something new about ourselves in the process.


So after running a marathon, is it wrong of me to feel unworthy of the entire process I just completed? Is it selfish and hot headed of me to not be happy with my performance when I know there are millions of people who would just be happy to have the chance to run a 5k?


You're probably wondering what the point is to this post.... I don't really have one. Remember, I said I have lots of thoughts swirling. I guess to sum it up.... I want to be the perfect runner, who never misses a running day, who always eats right and thinks positive and has all amazing races. I want to snap my fingers and have it all figured out. I guess this is why I am so obsessed with running marathons. Because each one is different and they are NEVER perfect.



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9 comments:

SupermomE12 said...

I think it is GREAT that you are talking to someone. Too many people are too worried about what others will think or say to do what they need.

You definitely should not be beating yourself up... There is always going to be someone faster, someone that can run further, someone that runs more races, someone that raises more money for their charity... I had to decide that I was just going to do the best that I could on any given day, and that would have to be good enough. AND, we are supposed to enjoy this running stuff too. :)
Hugs!
E

Pam @ Paris Y said...

There is a lot to be gained in seeking input from an objective professional who can help us step back far enough to see the forest through the trees. The fact that you are constantly working toward being better keeps you moving ahead, and that after all is what life is all about. When we accept status quo we become stagnant. Feel good about yourself - you are a work in progress, and it's OK to want to be the absolute very best that you can be. It's admirable in my book!

Coy Martinez said...

Honestly enough I struggle with this too! I can never run the perfect race when I need too and what's worse is that I feel like when I do (run the perfect race), I'll obsess over it and feel like it too was not good enough. You've taught me tons about enjoying but yet tapping into the competitive spirit. Trying to find the balance between the two. We're a work in progress, running and us.

I think it was last month in Runners World I read an article about this 85 year old guy who's still running marathons. I want that to be me. When I think about that place in the future and now I laugh about sweating the small stuff.

When we ran that trail race I knew there was nothing perfect to be had but you showed me that showing up, having guts and mucking through it as strong as I could spoke more to who I was than any time accomplishment! You were right!

I've been to counseling too! It does wonders for getting to the bottom of the barrel!

Matthew Cook said...

In my major (recreation management) we talk a lot about why we do things what is to be gained and why we enjoy it so much. the concept that i connect the most with is FLOW, the basics of it are that you get so immersed into an activity that the rest of the world disappears, your short comings don't mater any more, it becomes you and what you are doing. here is a link to a wiki about it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flow_(psychology)
For me running isn't about the goal or making myself feel better, its about taking everything away clearing my mind, then when I'm done everything seems more manageable, run to run and all else sorts itself out.

Kristin said...

I love you Janice and understand overall what you mean. We are all working through things like this in our own ways and I appreciate and respect you for sharing yours. So maybe you're not perfect(nor is anyone!) but I think the imperfections are what make us unique and able to lift each other up. Hugs!!

Stephanie said...

Great post, Janice! I think you're AWESOME at everything you do! I admire you.

Denise said...

you're not alone!! and i feel the same way after some of my running performances. even after running a 3:35 w/ the flu in march, i beat myself up. it's something i work on daily...

i hope you see by posting this that there are so many people in the same boat. hang in there and keep doing what you're doing, you're taking the right steps.

Tari said...

Janice, I am so proud of you! I know this was a hard post for you. I hope that in some way it helps the healing process. You are truely amazing. And you know from previous conversations I have some of the same issues. I hope we all can see ourselves as trying our bests rather than falling short of perfect. Love you ((((HUGS)))

Mel -Tall Mom on the Run said...

I am with you darlin all makes sense to me!!